I was working with a brand new probationer one night (why do shit jobs always happen at night???). It was the same ol’ crap, job after job. Sore tummies, sore heads, blah blah blah, so it was no surprise to get our next call to a “PV bleed” (medical abbreviation for ‘per vagina’). There really isn’t much to it with these cases, except to monitor blood pressure, skin perfusion, level of consciousness etc. We rock up outside the address, which was a festy, dingy block of flats out in South West Sydney. The place stank. All of these units seem to have the same stale smell, in every flat! Rubbish in the stair wells, cat shit all over the place, old mattresses on the front lawn and driveways. It really is a ghetto! I knocked on this lady’s door, only to be greeted with a gruff “doors open”.
What I saw next was enough to make me want to leave immediately .
There, amongst the filth of a cockroach infested cess pitt that some may call a lounge room, and perched up on the lounge, was this manky, grimey, nauseating, hairy, greasy 52 year old woman, naked from the waist down.
**starts to feel sick**
Her legs were spread open for all and sundry to see, exposing what could only be best described as an oozing, swollen, red, inflamed, purulent mass of reproductive organ, that seemed to be harboring the most vulgar infection known to man. Suffice to say, her hygiene habits weren’t the best either. The dirt under her toenails could have filled a small pot. The cat hair stuck to the bottom of her feet could have clothed three homeless kids. I could go on, but………anyway. Back to the story.
She stank! The vile stench of body odour filled the room, and immediately infected our nostrils and clothes. You could feel the smell in the air. It was heavy, and you just knew with every movement and breath, that this stuff was infecting every part of you body.
YUCK! I felt dirty. Infected !
She started droning on about not changing it soon enough, and now it hurts.
“What on earth are you talking about” I said.
With that, she reached down and grabbed something which I hadn’t yet noticed amongst the ooze and slime of her purulent pussy. A string. MY GOD, NO! It could only mean one thing, and her next comment confirmed my worst nightmare.
“I put it up there 9 months ago, and now it won’t come out” she squirms.
(Note to all women: Change your tampon daily……. frequently……PLEASE)
Jeezus. 9 whole months to fester away in the warm, wet, infection harboring environment that every germ loves if left free to roam. It’s surprising it hadn’t killed her yet.
She began to tug hard on the string, her face grimacing with pain. I yelled out, trying to make her stop, but she just kept going and going, as if intent on removing the foreign object.
Then, as if Murphy and his bloody laws were ever present, it happened!
Just like a champagne bottle being popped (but it wasn’t champagne), out it comes. Dangling from the end of the string…..a slimy, dripping, infected, 9 month old tampon that had spawned a life of its own.
Now, common obstetrics will tell you that with every birth comes………..
cue the music
That’s right my friends. Out of this gaping, infested hole poured this fluid. Not just any fluid either. Ooozing lumps of pussy, slimy fluorescent greeny yellowy infection. Enough to fill a cup. OMG, the smell! It would put middle eastern chemical warfare to shame.
My poor probationer gasps, gags, and proclaims disgust. “FUCK”. My sentiments exactly!
An angelic look of relief came across her face, as if she had just found her own private nirvana. “Ohhhhhhhh. That feels goooooood” she moaned.
“OK” I said quickly. “You won’t be needing us anymore”. I ran out of that place as fast as I could. My probationer stood grounded, and in shock. “What about the patient” I hear him exclaim. “Fuck the patient” I said. “There’s no way that thing is getting in my ambulance”!
I see him nod agreeing from down the hall. “See your doctor in the morning madam”, and with that, he was hot on my heels.
As for the smell, it took hours to get the smell out of the car, carried in via our clothes. I destroyed my uniform (incinerated) and ordered a new one. Never again did I go to that address. I had contingencies in place to remove me from duty if her number ever came up again, but fortunately for me, it never did.
Never again do I wish to encounter such a vile and horrific display of puss and slush.
This is a promise I have kept!